MICHEL JACKSON IS DEAD... SO SAD... despite all the controversy of this life he was a great performer. It was funny because my dad was seemed so socked that i actually knew who Michel Jackson was. hahahaha

On a side note he is driving me crazy again. I had plans for tomorrow to watch Transformers with my friends but because of him i cant go now. HE MADE A FUCKING DENTIST APPOINTMENT FOR ME WITHOUT EVEN FUCKING ASKING IF I WAS FREE. WTH??????

Okay, so me and my friends are planning an intervention type thing for a friend this Thursday and I'm starting to freak out about it. This friend has been posting things that are making me feel guilty for what we are about to do. It's like she knows that something is up and now she is trying to guilt us. And its working, well at least for me. I don't know if I can still push through with Thursday. I need some serious courage.

( Read only if you want to... )

My skins dvd wont play :(

1.5 lang ako sa french. Nakakainis.

Hello

Today is one of the last days of ro. I'm really going to be sad when it all ends. I'll miss the activites, the officers and most especialy my friends. Today me and my friends were all supose to get together and play but sadly all of a suddenly they could not come. From the main people it was just me and Tae, so i decided to invite other people just so that we could play. It was all fun but they people started leaving. By like 3 it was only me, Tae and a friend of his that were left. The rest already left or were leaving na. So i decide to just go home insted of waiting for like 2 hours, doing nothing, for my parents to pick me up. I called them. first my dad but he was not answearing so I called my mom. She said that it was ok. Then my dad called and started yelling at me telling me how im so stupid becuse i cant make up my mind of how i was going home and just hung up. WTF?! So on my way home I ralized that I did not have my keys so I asked my mom to open the door for me when I get home and she is kind of pissed at me becuse apparently she is getting a massage. So I come home feeling like eveyone hates me. LAtely I feel at home with my friends from school and ro than I do with my actualy family. I feel like my officers are more concerned about me than my actual parents are. To make this worse, when I get home my dad starts yelling at me again and says i'm so stupid for crying.

ROTC ends is two weeks. :(

How come the things that make me happy never last?

Life sucks.....

Hello people of the inter-web.

It has been a while since i last posted. I get lazier and lazier every time. Right now im trying to avoid any form of work. So i finaly addmited to my a few of my friends that I have a crush on one of our friends. It was accepted naman but now she keeps secretly bringing it up. Im glad i told my secret becuse now i need so releaved and now i have people to talk to about it. yay.

Well that's kind of it. haha. I kind of want to post a link to my LJ to my multiply but im not sure. haha. just thinking out loud.

To be honest I did not feel christmas this year. Nothing felt merry. The only thing that reminded me that it was the holidays was all the food, parties, presents, sales and the presence of some relatives that I normaly dont see.

Looking back at the year i think that this has been both the best and worst year for me. The best because I have never felt more comfortable with myself than i have this last few monthes that i have ever felt in my life. The worst becuse of all the continuous drama.

I think that how my mornings start determin the mood of my entier day. This morning my mom yelled at me becuse I was still in bed and now everytime I see her or hear her voice I feel this unexpalinable mad. I feel like stabing her. Sometimes i think about wha tlife would be like if i killed my entier family. I'm guess that they will just put me away and say that im crazy or ill go to jail. Its sad becuse i feel more at home with people who are not members of my imediate family than i do with them.

If i compaire how I have been feeling the past few weeks to how i felt the past month i would hvae to say that it very obvoius that i was much happier and "stabel" when i am not in the constant presence of my father. I trully feel that he is the cause of all my problems but then again he is not the only one to blaim. I have myself to baim because I tel everything he says and does get to me. Its my failt becuse I kept quiet for many year thinking that if I do he will actually accept me. I envey my dad's friends daughter because she can just always call someone to get her out when she needs it. I dont have that option. Its either I stick it out or im on my own. To be honest I dont think I could survive on my own.I need people around me. I dont know if im asking for a lot becuse all i want is someone who I can talk to who will not pass judgement on me and that i know will accept me with open arms no matter what i do. with my family i dont really feel that. I feel like if i screw up enough they will just forget that I even exist. I just want some one to care about me and my life.

I dont even know if anyone reads this but somehow i feel better knowing that its out there. My parents are always telling me that i dont talk to them but that is not true becuse i talk more about my feelings than any regular person. I am constantly telling my story. The problem is that no one is listening. The only people listening are the people who leave or have felt and dont actually have to deal with me and just hear things over an email, phone call of text.

I honest am tierd of going out pretending like nothing happened. like the past month never happened.

Is it too much to ask for a little happines. Im so sick of people telling me that my happines is my choice. I feel like have have no choices anymore. I feel like i am a prisoner in my own life. Everything has become a routine. I need some fresh blood pumping in my system. I need a breath of freash air. I need someone to see me as loneny and not crazy. Everyone looks at me like as if i have the worls "LOSER" tatooed on my forhead. Right now the only thing i have that keeps me sane is music. AT least there i feel like someone understands what im feeling. Here all i ever hear is yelling and grumbling about how stupid and unstable i am. no one ever thinks about my good qualities. As a matter of fact neither do i. I dont even know if i have any good qualities.

I dont understand how a person can just watch tv when it is clear that someone in the same room is crying and obvoisly in need of a hug. It just goes to show how much my family really cares and knows me. I never ask for anything that is to reasonably. I understood that for my 18th birthday things were tight so we just stayed in. I understand that the only thing that i ever asked for was too much for them to give but they could not bear telling it to my face that they make me think that it will happen when it wont. Im tiers of hoping that things would get better. I just need to start accepting that this is probably as good as it gets. "No hopes no regrests."

My greatest fear is probably if I kill myself and my death will not impact anyone. That i wil be forgoten. That no one will miss me.

I want to live a care free life with no worries about money, morals or anything else that holds us back. I wish my life could be just like in the songs where in you can de anyhting and have no worries or regrests.

Well i better stop now becuse my parents wil be home soon and they will probably just start yelling at me if they see me crying.

I know this has a bunch of typos but i dont care. :D

So it's Christmas break and I am bored to death.

Most of my high school friends are still busy with school and shit. While my collage friends are spending some much needed time with their families.

My sister still has school and exams so she is busy. My older cousins have to go to work. My parents are busy with their work.

This leaves me at home doing nothing most of the time.

I am so looking forward for this weekend. My and my collage friends are celebrating our Christmas break in our way. LASER TAG. That will be so much fun.

This Christmas I am asking for a new computer since the one I have is already like 5 years old. Not to mention that I am sharing with my sister. We are already starting to write a whole lot of papers for school and i think that its time that i get my own pc. I had my eye on the HP TX2500 but its insanely expensive. I now have no idea what computer i will get but i know that i will get a computer.

I'm excited for next term because I will be taking the same swimming class with my friend ayia from ro. Speaking of ro, next term will contain hell day. I'm excited and scared. Our COIC's already told up to make sure that we keep in good physical shape for hell day. I'm excited to get my model patch.

Well that's it...

Yo

So school is almost officially over. I only have to finish writing our final paper for INSOCI and submit a portfolio for ENGLCOM.

On other news, It looks likes my parents will try to work thinks out again. My mom says that we will be moving back this weekend. Personally I don't want to go home because I'm scared that things will happen all over again as time goes on. I never want to put myself in a situation where in I am made to feel bad about who I am. I have spent the past 17 years doing what I was told when I was told. I don't think its much to ask for the freedom to do things that make me happy. If he calls me selfish then be it. I don't care anymore. So ya that is basically it.

This Christmas will be interesting no matter what, that's for sure.

Will go and pretend to be working now :D

We have been so busy this past month. Everyone has been scrambling to get extra points. But at least its all over. Well almost. Next week is finals week but my block as no finals anymore because all our finals were special outputs that we have all submitted already. Well except for a research paper and a portfolio but aside from those two we are free.

I have a good feeling that I will pass INTFILO

A sad this is that we will no longer have ROTC. Next term Alpha and Bravo will become one Model Battalion. Next term will also be hell day. I am both excited yet scared.

That is all that has been happening in my life lately

:D

I'm finally taking up French next term. :D

Things I need to do for tomorrow

1. Write a script about water pollution
2. Read like 3 chapters for philosophy
3. Write a paper about the cause and effect of the global economic crisis

The only problem is I have no creative juices to write a script or a paper and I'm too tired to read anything. 

Wish me luck....

So last night was my little srinking party. Well actualy it ended up as more of a bord game part. We played game of life and risk. people started leaving before we got to twister and monopoly. So now we decided to have a Christmas party. haha. Hopefully nest time more people will come and actually stay late and not leave early. haha. Oh and actually drink.

I have a fucking long quiz today for socio;ogy which will begin any minutes now. for a quiz the coverage is so fucking long. Im so tired of studying. I give up.

On Thursday i will have a little drinking party with a few friends and i finally get to introduce patty to my new collage friends.

Speaking of collage. I watched HS3 last night. It was a typical HSM movie. Watching though makes me miss my senior year. 

Quizzwill start now.

Wish me luck

So I did not go to school today because I was experiencing sever stomach pains. I was vomiting and had irregular bowel movements. So my mom decided to take me to the hospital. We waited for so long  and the consultation was less than 5 minutes. The doctor said that i needed to keep hydrated and take some med's. If the pains continue after 2 days then i have to go back and get an ultrasound. SHe said that i have acute gastroenteritis.

So today i missed a midterm for Philosophy. My prof said that she will think about giving me make up for it. Hopefully she will say yes. I have a medical certification.  

Today in RO we finally got our rifles. Its so cool and fun. Although need more practice in balancing and stuff. Since we have SP's flag they had to do a kind of punishment to try and get it back. They had to crawl under every one in model. It was funny because the officers kept yelling to the guys to be careful when going under the girl. Some times when a big guy passes you end up kind of riding his back. haha. Today for me had been the hardest training day so far. I'm kind of excited and yet scared for hell day.

In other news. haha their is actually no other news. Nothing interesting has happened that is worth reporting in the past two weeks or so.

I have 3 midterms this coming week.

So for Psyc we have to do a baby research about something. My group is doing a study of how different guys from different colleges want their girls to bee like. So i have been making the surveys. I made the first draft the second draft and so on. The only thing my group mates have to do is sign off on them so i can start mass production but no, it takes them forever to reply to a simple email. All they ever do is complain about how random my questions were when they did not help one bit. I can understand why Camille cant go online since she is staying with her dad in the hospital but that about the rest?

god, it wont take more that like 5 minutes.

I am so not the one who will compile all the data.

In other news. I'm staying at my dad's place tonight, friday night and saturday night. Tonight it just me and my dad since my sister is in Tagaytay but she will be back tomorrow.

Fangs up

Today has been an interesting day. First Tae mentioned to Iking that i had a dream about so i ended up telling him ( I only told of the one where in he and Camille dated) then Tea told Javi that i said to Iking that i think that he is gay. Tea misunderstood and thought that i meant that Javi likes guys but what i meant was that he is kind of like a girl. So i ended up having to clarify to Iking my use of the world gay just to make everyone happy. 

During sociology I was so bord that I made a rap. Its a very white person rap. Camille want to make a video for it and Javi will do the raping. Its called Tuna Sandwich.

( Tuna Sanswich )

Then later in ENGLCOM we payed a game and we had to explain a paragraph and this is what i said; "when your sad and you tell your friend your sad then that friend wont make you sad. So, in the end your not sad."

Then later on our way down Andrew I fell down the stairs. Oh and also we played generals and I won (by default).

I'm suppose to be in Singapore right now watching day one of the qualifiers. Instead I'm here at home packing to ROTC. This sucks ass. It's hard watching the qualifiers with out getting sad because I know that I was suppose to be their. We already had the tickets.

I know I said I was ok with it but seriously who would be?

THIS SUCKS!

We lost the game.

I have a ton of things to do this weekend.

1. write two papers about movies we watched for sociology
2. write a survey for psychology
3. prepare physically and mentally for the ROTC sports fest tomorrow (6 am till 6 pm)
4. read a shit load of stuff for philosophy

I have made a draft for the survey, done half the readings for philosophy and am currently working on one of my sociology papers. I still need to pack for ROTC, write another paper and finish the rest of the readings for philosophy

You know whats weird, we have to get a text book about basketball; apparently its a requirement.

Time to get back to work. *sigh*

So today is ROTC week so we have to spend a minimum of 2 hours this week in the model both. I Spend half an hour there yesterday and I made a new friend. His is an airsoft addict. haha. Today I spent like another half hour except this time I played chess with one of my commanding officers. He won. I was actually winning until I made a stupid mistake and got me queen eaten, it just went all down hill from there. Tomorrow, the last day of the ROTC week, we have to wear our ROTC shirts to show our support. Then on Saturday we have the sports fest and I will be paying volleyball.

I was actually suppose to go to Singapore this weekend to watch the F1 night race but because of the sports fest and other things the trip has been canceled.

In a totally different topic. I have been having weird dreams for the past two nights. The first was that I was paying airsoft with my friends and when I got hit I lost my balance and fell of a small cliff and hit my head so I was knocked out. When I woke up we were in my friends house and we had to sleep over because it was raining so hard. The second was that apparently two of my friends have been going out for a year then they had a nasty breakup. So the girl dates the guys younger brother to get back at him. The weird things are the dreams is that apparently some of the details I dreamed of were true and accurate. So now my friends say that maybe i can like tell the future in my dreams. That would be quite cool.

I have so much homework to do for tomorrow and its almost 10 pm.

I am totally in love with Jason Mraz's song make it mine. Its so happy I love it.